I’ve never filled out an online dating site questionnaire. I would imagine they ask basic questions like “Do you like cats?” Or “Have you ever been convicted of tax fraud?. (My answers would be no and no, not necessarily in that order). If I did have the occasion to online date, I would hope that there are premium sites that would allow someone to REALLY get an idea of who I am. I’m too old to change and you probably wouldn’t want to take years to acclimate to my, shall we say, eccentricities.
First off, you need to be able to tolerate TOTO. I’m not saying you have to love the band but just know that I have a deep affection for the music. Except Africa. That one kinda sucks. In fact, you will be subjected to a full spectrum of audio goodies from Marillion to Hall & Oates, and from Miles Davis to the Hillary Duff Christmas album. You’re welcome.
Secondly, it would be great if you know enough Monty Python to offer a wafer thin mint if anyone ever says they are full. Bonus points for Silly Walks and knowing the Luberjack Song. You should also know the entire Coen Brothers catalog especially O Brother, Where Art Thou but not including Hail, Caesar!
Next, you would need to know that when at home, I live in shorts. The moment I get in the door I change into shorts and a t-shirt, probably from an ad agency that I worked for at least 10 years ago. That’s the look. It’s not pretty but it’s it’s my happy place.
You should also know that every time you would accuse me of falling asleep on the sofa, I will reply rather indignantly that I was not. It will happen. Every. Single. Night. There may or may not be loud snoring involved but that would be something you could discover all on your own.
Finally, you should know that my kids are everything. They are awesome and better than anyone else’s kids. I mean, I don’t want to make other people sad about their own children, so this can be our secret. Just know that it is an undeniable fact.
What I would be looking for in a mate would be someone who, even after knowing all the above things, would still want to crawl into the same bed at night. Someone who would hide their fear when I came home from work with my belongings in a banker box and who would tell me that everything would be fine. Someone who who would still laugh at the same jokes that I’ve told so many times before. Someone who would remind me to do things that I really don’t want to but know I should. Someone who would love this dad bod even though it looks like a weight loss ‘before’ picture.
The thing is, I don’t need to find anyone. I already did. Over 30 years ago, I saw this really cute 15 year old girl at high school and I immediately wanted to know who she was. We quickly became friends and it didn’t take long for me to fall head over heels in love. It took her a bit longer to see me the same way. A year, actually. And here we are, over 3 decades later. We still quote Python to each other and Fargo holds a special place in our hearts. She still doesn’t like Toto but she would go to their concert with me if I asked. She’s got her own version of shorts and a T that get thrown on after work and I often catch her closing her eyes while watching TV. Sure, there have been tough times. Some real relationship defining moments. But every time we have reached a crossroads, we have always ended up taking the same path. We only ever argue about the small things and we have raised two incredible humans. And we still laugh. A lot. For all of that, I am truly grateful.
That and the fact that she doesn’t like cats either.